Never again will I attempt to placate a ravenous cat with an emotive, emphatic and eloquent speech. My first experience, despite the uncensored passion of my delivery, resulted in a physical defeat at the claws of the graceful, yet lethal cat.
A relaxing afternoon spent in the company of Heathcliff, Catherine and other residents of Wuthering Heights was brutally disrupted by a shrill cry. Initially dismissing the cry as my mother’s wrath, I ambled downstairs to the garden whereupon I discovered a cat blocking my mum’s access back into the house. The withering look on my mother’s face overwhelmed the urge to laugh hysterically and instead I marched towards the cat in hopes that my footsteps would scare it away. However a defiant march accompanied by a threatening ‘shoo’ did little to belittle the animal, who purred away in a smug and self satisfied manner.
With renewed vigor, I took another aggressive step towards the cat, yet upon the appearance of its magnificently sharp teeth I changed strategy. A narrowing distance, which limited the amount of forceful steps I could take, forced me to politely ask for it to depart in order to restore the previously prevalent domestic harmony. Unmoved, the cat dismissed my attempts by a flick of its bushy tail and continued to lick its paws. Further pleading glances were met with, what later was dismissed as an overzealous attempt at anthropomorphism, a piercing glare that queried ‘you talkin’ to me?’
Regretting my affinity for the saying ‘impossible is nothing,’ I crouched down in front of the cat and attempted to remind it that trespassing was a legal attempt. To no avail. I then decided that only a long monologue would work as; either the cat would listen or it would get tired of my voice and leave. To my surprise, the cat ‘meowed.’ Quietly at first, but; just as my incredulity increased so too did the cat’s volume. I decided to berate it for producing such immense negative externalities and went on to explain how the lacking supply of food in accordance with the excess demand for it produced a negative output gap that could not be narrowed by unruly behavior and trespassing.
The cat finally rose and excitedly, I began to wave it away. The cat halted and glared at me. With an equally challenging glare I stood up and began advancing towards the cat; overconfidently. The cat arched its back and before I could raise my hands, it threw itself at me and knocked me down, scratching me in the process. Satisfied, the cat triumphantly bounded away leaving me dazed and winded. Grimacing I stood up and looking around, noticed my mother wasn’t there. Shaking my head, I allowed myself a moment of reflection; not only had I attempted to verbally negotiate with a cat but also I had been humbled by a miniscule creature. My hubris clobbered by a nemesis.
While I will never again attempt this impossible feat, I cannot deny that it was both enriching and amusing. I learnt never to underestimate an opponent and never to approach a situation with an overconfident attitude. Ultimately, I found solace in Oscar Wilde’s words that claimed ‘whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always for the noblest motives;’ however, if I ever witness a cat attempting to terrorize innocents, I shall act rationally and utilize technology to recreate the sound of a predator’s bark in order to frighten away the cat, consequently becoming dynamically efficient.